Ponderings...

I head into the coming week with trepidation….  One year...

My emotions a roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows.  For some reason I continue to try to get a grasp on them, instead of just letting myself feel them.  Why?  Old habits die hard.   I know I just have to go through this to the other side. I guess part of my fear is I’ll never actually reach the other side.  

Another part… that perhaps I already have…

As I hiked up to Lower Lake this morning I experienced a sense of joyousness and zest for life that I often find in nature.  And while out there, I sent up prayers of gratitude for my ability to experience this joy.  I understand that I can, and should, experience it…  I believe he would want me to rejoice in the beauty, love and wonder all around me…

So why is it I still feel at times like I’m betraying his memory?  How do I reconcile my grief at his loss with my love of life, the people in it and the health and happiness I am given?  How do I find peace in the now?

So, my journey continues ~ discovering the place within myself where I can both honor his life and recognize the hardships and obstacles for what they are: steps to greater self-knowledge and love.

Don’t Wait... On Being A Birth Mom

I wish I’d said “yes” more often…  

I wish I’d shared him more.   I wish I’d claimed him – any time I could have.  Instead, when asked if I had children I sometimes said “no.”  Rather than have to explain...rather than break down in tears... I said no...

Why did I do that?  Oh, it makes me so disappointed and angry with myself!!!  I should have said “yes”, anytime I could have.  I should have said yes!  Yes!  YES!

My advice... don’t wait...

Don’t wait to see if the pain will fade to share your story.  Don’t wait until you feel stronger, or more secure or settled, don’t wait until you think you can – share your story now!  Reach out and be brave.   

Yes, be brave.  Again. 

Say “yes” whenever a stranger asks of you have children.  Don’t’ keep your child a secret, and don’t live in the dark.  If all you have to share is how old he is, share it.  Embrace it.  It is a part of who you are.  And no matter what you may want to believe, it’s a big part.  Allow yourself to feel the grief and pain of losing your child, and to let others see it.  Don’t be afraid to own your story.

And, hopefully, at some point along the way, you will also learn to celebrate what an amazing thing you’ve done.  What a beautiful being you’ve brought into this world.  You will learn that you can take ownership of your decision and accept it.  And realize that you can’t go back, but you can move forward.

Ponderings...

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  I did.  But, I feel… empty.  Like I’ve got nothing to give at this moment.  Even as I write I’m not even sure where I’m going with it.  Actually, I don’t want to go anywhere – I just want to sit and stare and let time pass me by. Ug.  Yuckyuckyuckyuck. (And what I really want to say starts with a different letter.)  I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to exercise or work in my shop or do the dishes.   I don’t want to feed the dog, or do laundry.  Anything.  Yuckyuckyuckyuck.
 

What is this?  Part of the grief process, knowing his birthday is coming up this week?  Depression?  Or perhaps just a cop out?  Yuckyuckyuckyuck.

People say we’re supposed to be gentle with ourselves, especially after the loss of a child.  Well, I’ve never been good at that.  Actually, one of the things I’m working on incorporating into my daily routine is self-affirmation, a new year’s resolution of sorts.  It’s very simple.  I look at myself in the mirror, look into my own eyes and say out loud “I love you.”   It’s hard.  So far, I’ve cried most days.

But regardless of all I’ve spewed forth today, I’ve always been a firm believer in “Action Breads Motivation.”  That’s one of my go-to mantras.  

Well, I guess I better go to it.