Ponderings...

I head into the coming week with trepidation….  One year...

My emotions a roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows.  For some reason I continue to try to get a grasp on them, instead of just letting myself feel them.  Why?  Old habits die hard.   I know I just have to go through this to the other side. I guess part of my fear is I’ll never actually reach the other side.  

Another part… that perhaps I already have…

As I hiked up to Lower Lake this morning I experienced a sense of joyousness and zest for life that I often find in nature.  And while out there, I sent up prayers of gratitude for my ability to experience this joy.  I understand that I can, and should, experience it…  I believe he would want me to rejoice in the beauty, love and wonder all around me…

So why is it I still feel at times like I’m betraying his memory?  How do I reconcile my grief at his loss with my love of life, the people in it and the health and happiness I am given?  How do I find peace in the now?

So, my journey continues ~ discovering the place within myself where I can both honor his life and recognize the hardships and obstacles for what they are: steps to greater self-knowledge and love.