I always looked forward to any
communication between us, no matter how small or by any means. When I’d get an email I could hardly wait to
open it and devour its contents. If I
saw his name on a text message my heart would leap and jump in my chest! I followed his facebook and myspace
pages. Any connection or communication
with him caused surges of excitement, fear, anticipation, anxiety, impatience
and hope.
It made me feel so alive!
Although I had my share of fears about
whether he would resent me, most of my emotions were hopeful. I never really knew what to do or say
when he would contact me. When I’d get
emails or texts, I’d analyze the heck out of what he said and what I should say
back! I always hoped that one day it
would all come naturally. Where birthday
phone calls would be the norm and not something I had to agonize over – do I do
it, do I not – do I call – do I text – what should I say – how do I make sure I
don’t scare him away – and on and on. I’m
so grateful to my husband, who always encouraged me to look at all things about
my son in an optimistic way, and encouraged me to step back, savor the
experience and think through what I really wanted to say.
And as I read other birth parents’ blogs
I find similar experiences when it comes to communicating with our children. There’s just something that happens when the
caller id reads “____.”
Now, when I get
a call or message from his adad or one of his friends, I also feel a surge of strong
emotions, but they are different. These
people are now my main connection to him, they are the keepers of his life and
memories. I can’t express the depth of
my gratitude for their willingness to continue to share with me things about
his life, to let me know that even though he’s gone, I was, and am, a part of
who he was. And I’m trying to get to a place where my
gratitude outweighs my grief. Some days
are better than others.
Oh, and now, even though he’s gone, I
still watch his facebook page.
I can’t
help it.
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