Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Amazing Grace

View from the flight home after the Alaska State Association of Emblem Clubs 24th Annual Convention.  Beautiful...

Last week I participated in an annual memorial service that was part of our State Emblem Club Convention.  Its purpose: to memorialize our recently departed members; to remember their service and their many contributions to our Club. 

I sat there the whole time and thought about my son. 
I sat there and cried.  Long before the service began I gave myself permission to grieve, openly and unashamedly.  It felt good, if that makes any sense.  It felt good to not hide it; to own it and to express it.  I didn’t worry that someone might come up to me and ask me who I had lost.  I didn’t care if anyone looked at me sideways. 

Last year, at this same memorial service, I was asked by my friend, the sitting State President, to sing Amazing Grace.  I was honored to do so.  However, when the time came, I choked.  Not out of nerves or fear, out of sadness: she had just lost her son.  I couldn’t find my voice - I couldn’t sing through my tears and my grief for her loss. 

This year, she added her tears to mine. 

Lately, my emotions are running high.  It feels like they are right under my skin…  Like a single word or movement could cause a split and let everything spill out.
On edge would be a good way to explain it, I just feel on edge.  
There’s so much happening…   
The busy summer season beginning, with new employees and responsibilities.   
My mother, specifically her health; or lack thereof.   
Oh, and let’s not forget Mother’s Day looming.


I am doing okay, though, all in all.  Despite my tendency to be sarcastic, I am doing okay...