I always looked forward to any communication between us, no matter how small or by any means. When I’d get an email I could hardly wait to open it and devour its contents. If I saw his name on a text message my heart would leap and jump in my chest! I followed his facebook and myspace pages. Any connection or communication with him caused surges of excitement, fear, anticipation, anxiety, impatience and hope.
It made me feel so alive!
Although I had my share of fears about whether he would resent me, most of my emotions were hopeful. I never really knew what to do or say when he would contact me. When I’d get emails or texts, I’d analyze the heck out of what he said and what I should say back! I always hoped that one day it would all come naturally. Where birthday phone calls would be the norm and not something I had to agonize over – do I do it, do I not – do I call – do I text – what should I say – how do I make sure I don’t scare him away – and on and on. I’m so grateful to my husband, who always encouraged me to look at all things about my son in an optimistic way, and encouraged me to step back, savor the experience and think through what I really wanted to say.
And as I read other birth parents’ blogs I find similar experiences when it comes to communicating with our children. There’s just something that happens when the caller id reads “____.”
Now, when I get a call or message from his adad or one of his friends, I also feel a surge of strong emotions, but they are different. These people are now my main connection to him, they are the keepers of his life and memories. I can’t express the depth of my gratitude for their willingness to continue to share with me things about his life, to let me know that even though he’s gone, I was, and am, a part of who he was. And I’m trying to get to a place where my gratitude outweighs my grief. Some days are better than others.
Oh, and now, even though he’s gone, I still watch his facebook page.
I can’t help it.